My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
