He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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