We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
