1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm just crazy horny about you
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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