Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
