May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
