Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
