Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i love accidental penises.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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