Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
a search helicopter?!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
