I like my sex mixed with concussions.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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