I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
