I want to have your abortion
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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