I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
