When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
