Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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