I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
