If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i think my cat just said my name.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
