It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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