I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize