I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
