i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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