I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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