I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
