dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i was born a porn star she said
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
