I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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