nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
