I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
