Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
