I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
