8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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