i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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