If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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