Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize