i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize