my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
