census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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