Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
