thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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