Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
