the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize