Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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