I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
