You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
