Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
