a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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