I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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