fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
