Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
