Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize