Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
