I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
