I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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