i already hear my dad disowning me
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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