Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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