You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
