Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I wish my penis had an off switch
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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