there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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